I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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