exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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