good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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