my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
