i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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