I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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