You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
