she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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