Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
