she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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