Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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