I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
