Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's never too late to be topless.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I need to calm my uterus...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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