remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
