I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
