just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
