No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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