He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
