At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.