its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
