Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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