My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
