Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
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