You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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