Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
