I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
