I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
