I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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