I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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