i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
