Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
