Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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