You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Can I color on your dick again?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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