I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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