is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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