My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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