It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
