Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
