my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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