he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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