I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
