Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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