So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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