had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
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