My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
