chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize