Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
