I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
