I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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