god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
