well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
