I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
