soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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