The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
