My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just invented taco cereal.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
