turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
